When your autistic issues begin to change…

Throughout life there have been a bunch of issues, that for me have been difficulties. Always been that way, before diagnosis and post diagnosis. Well always that is until recently they began to change somewhat.

The only catalyst I can ascertain as the locus for these changes is the introduction of T blockers on Oestrogen into my systems. This may be a coincidence of course, and it may be that the locus for change is as much about being able to be me, and beginning social transition as well as medical transition.

For me, throughout life, autism issues for me have predominantly been on the social register of what are considered autistic issues. This is not to neglect and pretend that I don’t have any communication issues, and there is some significance in those too, but what has been the most difficult aspect of being autistic for me, has been dealing with the social aspects.

The not really wanting to be that social – or at least resigning myself to that being the reality.

The difficulty in relating in social settings.

The abject fear of getting it all wrong

The inability to make good and lasting friendships.

The dealing with people en masse.

The not being able to keep friends when I have managed to make some.

The getting the reciprocity of it all wrong, almost every time.

And I am sure this is an incomplete list, I don’t pretend for a moment it is complete in any way at all.

I am though, somewhat intrigued by how much of the things in that list have changed somewhat or are in a process of morphing into something different. It is intensely interesting to me, that the commonality point for these changes is squarely in the point of transition. I think even my ex partner would be in agreement on that point.

For certain, having the change in hormone balance for me is a wonderful and amazing thing that has incredible effects on my body systems, not least of which is my emotional systems which are more stable now than they have been my entire life. But, also, for certain, is the absolute surprise of how some of these autism things have or are changing or becoming easier to manage and deal with.

I remain, and always will an ardently out and proud autistic individual. I am proud to be autistic, not because autism is something wonderful, though it has aspects of that to it, but that autism is intrinsically a part of me. I am proud to be autistic because I am proud to accept, celebrate and walk my journey of life as the person I am, and that person is an autistic person.

This is no thought bubble on trans autistic people suddenly finding a cure all for autism, not by a long shot. I still have my issues. I am still a sensory seeker in many situations and on occasion I have my sensory input issues too.

What I now find though, is, that I seek out social interaction, I am more able to be spontaneous in those interactions, I am able to reciprocate, manage relationships better and certainly far less avoiding of new situations and gatherings of people which are not only small and intimate.

It’s a strange sensation, it’s a very strange and in a sense odd situation to be in. 40 odd years of all of these things being so intensely difficult. Difficult in fact, to the point of experiencing relentless bullying by others and a sense of never being able to be much of a success at anything. To suddenly find oneself feeling an intense desire to be with my people more, to experience life in a more social realm than in a realm more like that of a hermit.

Of course, it’s all a learning process, and change isn’t instant by any stretch of the imagination, and by no stretch of the imagination do I think I will ever be a successful socialite of the world. But, to find myself receiving joy and fulfilment from social situations, to find myself finding those situations easier to manage, even, dare I say it, enjoyable and desirable is, to my mind, nothing short of miraculous.

I am convinced at this point that much of this is due largely to transition. It may be due to the insertion of medications into my system or it may be due to the process of discovering who I really am, accepting that, stepping into it and walking it. I suppose it’s impossible to really know whether it is one or the other, or a combination of the both.

I personally suspect it is a combination of the both. The self acceptance allows the thought processes to begin, the desire to make those things better. The medications I think, then provide the change in hormonal systems and emotional stability to act out what is already changing in internal desires and so forth.

Of course, we will never know for sure, it’s just my thoughts on the matter. I think though, importantly, is the idea that if this is true for me, how many others might it also be true for. In terms of both autistic trans* people and allistic trans* people. Is my experience a common one, or is it something unique.

Of course every single person’s life and experiences are unique to themselves, but it is worth thinking and at least wondering, about this in terms of the greater autistic trans* community.

Not a lot of research has been done in terms of the large number of LGBTQIA+ identifying people who are autistic, which it seems is even more pronounced when it comes to the Trans identity, whatever identity that may be, genderfluid, agender, NB etc. One study I read at spectrum.org in 2015 put the likelihood of autistic people being transgender as 7 times more likely than non autistic. It’s a huge increase in prevalence I think you would agree.

If this figure is correct, and even if it is not quite correct, anecdotally it is really clear that there is an increased prevalence of trans people who are autistic than non autistic, then I think it is pertinent to wonder, how much being able to transition, or, not even transition but to be able to explore, accept and be the person that one is, will have positive impact on the ability to experience life and to have the best possible life outcomes for those autistic people.

It seems to me it would be remiss for us to not think about this in a sustained way. It seems to me that this is a fertile area of research into the trans autistic experience. Research that respects and involves those trans autistic people as equals and not simply subjects would of course provide the most fertile and informative results.

Maybe it’s just me, but I am pretty convinced that we owe it to our trans autistic tribe to investigate these ideas and discover whatever it is we can, learn what we can, because it is incumbent on all of us with any capacity to do so to work to enable all autistic people, trans and cis, to have the best and most wonderful life outcomes as possible.