Remember that time you did that really silly thing?

I think we’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Done something that could only be described as that thing you should not have done, and was really not the smart choice at all. Tonight or today was one of those moments for me.

I’ve been at a conference today, listening to really smart people, doing really amazing research into a specific part of brain physiology and really specific study on specific addresses of specific genes and subtle mutations. It’s really amazing stuff.

You see one of my kiddo’s, and she is happy for me to say, was born sans Corpus Callosum. For the initiated it is, in simple terms the bundle of nerves, axoms, synapses etc that crosses links the hemispheres of our brains.

It’s a really rare thing. And there’s this amazing consortium of neuropsychologists, neuroscientists, geneticists, in both research and clinical domains that meet together once every year or so to share the knowledge.

This is a great thing, it really is, because the people on the ground, the people missing this part of the brain and caregivers and so forth get to piggyback off these meetings and get some of the insights.

Of course that’s not the silly thing I did.

The silly thing I did was to put myself in a possibly unsafe situation.

I’ve said in the past that the concept of the male privilege that trans women have expererienced or had pre transition is complex, and I maintain that is the case, and even in situations like the one I found myself in tonight, I never felt safe anyway, but I confess, the feelings and emotions that stormed their way through my consciousness tonight were different.

I headed off to the conference this morning, not thinking too much beyond getting myself there on time. I drove my car to the station and happily got on the train. I was not thinking at all about the fact I would be returning home after a long day well into the evening.

Now one thing that has been ever present for me has been a fear at night of being attacked. It’s always been there, that in itself is not a new thing for me. Maybe it’s the fallout of being the bullies favourite victim throughout childhood and a home life that also wasn’t safe. It could be the result of receiving fairly severe bashing on the way to school on Occassion in high school. Whatever the reason that fear has always been there.

But tonight it was more present, more real, more urgent than I have ever felt it before. In a sense I felt, I suppose what women always feel travelling alone on public transport. It was really quite a silly mistake to put myself in the situation.

In the situation though, I realised that there was an extra layer to it. I wasn’t just scared that I would be attacked as a target because I was read as a woman, I was, but there was the extra layer of fear of the bigotry based attack on top of that.

I was potently scared that I was going to be attacked because I was trans. Yes I could be attacked for being a woman, and I was fearful of that, and then on top of that I was fearful of being attacked not just because I was a woman but because I was me.

The potency of the fear I felt was in itself a fearful thing. It’s not something you really think about when you think about transitioning. Sure you think about going out in public, and walking down the street. ANd yes that first time I went out as me was bloody scary, but, I wasn’t totally alone, I wasn’t alone at night and I was fortunate to be with another woman at the time.

Mostly thinking about transition, well for me, has been about hormones, access to services, passing, how I look and how I am perceived, worrying about whether I can see changes happening. Second guessing the changes I think I see. All that kind of thing.

It’s been about following up with beauracracies to change gender markers and coming out to friends and acquaintances, and seeing relationships reevaluated.

There are certainly times of thinking about safety. I’ve found though that mostly those times were not times where it was a real and present concern. They were times when I had the foresight to think about it before hand, and consider how I proceeded with how I went about the things I did to ensure my safety.

Over the months of transition, in the time since coming out, obviously I have had mixed responses, but one of the big responses I have had is affirmations of courage and bravery. Tonight I didn’t feel very brave or courageous I just felt very very silly and very very scared.

I’ve often shrugged off those comments about being brave and whatnot, after tonight I think, maybe, I understand just a little bit more where those comments emanate from.

To those that have intimated such things, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I am deeply sorry for not appreciating the magnitude of what you have conveyed to me.

Sometimes, it seems, it’s the shit you don’t think about, the shit that you wouldn’t stop to consider that can bring deeply emotional moments of truth and learning into your life and if you don’t stop to look and comprehend you just might miss an important lesson and maybe next time you won’t get out of it.

Tonight I stopped and looked around at it, and I am sure glad I did. Because I sure as fuck don’t want there to be a next time, or a time where I don’t get home safe and sound.