M is for Meltdown

Meltdown is part of the vernacular for both autistic folk and those that love and live with us. Meltdown is like the ever present unwelcome guest that could make an appearance into our lives seemingly without warning and with no real idea of where it came from.

Well, at least to the uninitiated that is.

Meltdowns are always proceeded by situations, signs, triggers and contexts which point to them occurring. They are never really without warning they are never really uninvited.

Learning to see and react to these signs of course is where the learning is and where by we can act in ways to release such triggers and make life that little bit better for ourselves and our autistic loved ones.

A meltdown is ‘an intense response to overwhelming situations’. It happens when someone becomes completely overwhelmed by their current situation and temporarily loses behavioural control. This loss of control can be expressed verbally (eg shouting, screaming, crying), physically(eg kicking, lashing out, biting) or in both ways.

Meltdowns are intense and horrible things to endure — both for the one experiencing it and those witnessing it.

A meltdown is not a tantrum — even though it may look for all the world like one. It may look like but what is going on for the person is not unacceptable behaviour to get what they want but a very real very visceral response to being overloaded and unable to deal with, process and cope with the situation at hand.

Meltdowns are visceral.

Being in a meltdown is horrible.

Personally I am thankful I have managed to identify a lot of my triggers for meltdown and so live mostly without them. I haven’t had a genuine meltdown for a couple of years. But, Meltdown still lingers as that potential uninvited guest. If I don’t take care of myself, be aware of my sensory load, be aware of all the things I know that can trigger a meltdown that it can come crashing in and enact itself very quickly seemingly without warning.

I despise having meltdowns. For a long time, most of my life in fact, I thought my meltdowns were tantrums. Because that was what I was told they were by abusive carers. I believed them. But I could never stop them. They were never a choice and I could never work out why I had zero control over them.

Post meltdown I feel utterly exhausted, utterly horrible and utterly ashamed. Yes ashamed. Cognitively I know, especially post meltdown that my behaviour was unacceptable and often scary for those close by. Even within a meltdown I experience a sense where I am somewhat outside of my body and a spectator to what my body is doing. I can even look at that behaviour as a spectator and know it is not acceptable, dangerous and could hurt both myself and others.

But in the moment I genuinely lack control.

It is as though I am in a car racing down a steep hill towards a giant precipice with failing brakes. All I can do is hold on and endure and hope for all hope that it doesn’t end in disaster.

Meltdowns are scary. They really are, are and I have never met a fellow autistic person who doesn’t wish they could just stop having them forever. We hate and despise them just as much as those around us do.

M is for meltdown…

There is lots we can do to avoid and minimise their likelihood. We can manage our environment, our energy, our exposure and such things to minimise as much as possible the chance of a meltdown event. We can mitigate but not eradicate.

When a meltdown does happen not much can be done really except riding it out. There are a few things to do to ensure the person having a meltdown and those around are safe. Try to ensure the person is in a place where they won’t hurt themselves due to the environment — ie sharp corners etc, remove any unnecessary people, minimise interaction, offer comfort, stim toys, quiet, darkness.

Post meltdown we feel awful and are often exhausted. Such an event is energy sapping both physically and emotionally. Autistic folk often need after a meltdown the freedom to just be, to sleep, to hide away under a blanket to soothe.

I for one need time to recover both physically and emotionally, usually through sleep lying down in a darkened room. During this time I will spend time in my thoughts, thinking about how terrible my behaviour was and how I can best regroup and re enter relationship with those around me. I also spend that time thinking about the situation and what it was that tipped me over into meltdown.

As horrible as a meltdown event is there is opportunity to learn about ourselves from the event.

M is for Meltdown…

They are an everpresent aspect of being autistic. Never can they be expunged from our experience but they can be managed, we can learn how to experience them as safely as possible. And yes we can learn how to see them coming.

Seeing them coming is just the first part acting to release the pressure is also incredibly important. I try to do this, sometimes I fail.

I really important factor of self agency for autistics is releasing pressure that leads to meltdown. If an autistic does not have that self agency they may not be able to act to release pressure, to remove themselves from a potentially triggering environment and this is a recipe for disaster.

M is for Meltdown

We hate them.

You hate them.

Let’s work together to minimise them as much as we can.