It’s not always about you but it might be.

I suspect most of us have heard that phrase, it’s not always about you. And for the most part, I believe it is mostly true. We humans have an amazing capacity to think it’s all about us, all of the time.

Thing is it’s not always about you at all, and I think when we scratch the surface of our consciousness we know in some way that this is absolutely the correct thing, that it isn’t always about us.

We know this, and yet, we act like it is about us, or we act like at least it might be about us.

Rationally, logically it makes sense to us that of all the billions of humans inhabiting the planet, there really only a relative few that have an interest in us and make what they are saying, doing, feeling etc, all about us. It makes perfect sense for us to say to ourselves that no it’s not all about you.

And then again…

As a trans person in transition, a different tilt is put on that whole phrase, and I think, it kind of becomes, more like; it’s probably not all about you, but it might be.

This isn’t because we are all narcissistic egomaniacs. To be sure, to engage in the act of transition, at least at some level, we do engage in some level of selfishness. Not a selfishness that says, well fuck you and everyone around me, but more a selfishness that gives rise to the internal strength to begin a journey that is going to be tough, scary, wonderful, creative, enlightening and, in a sense, never ending, but with an end in mind that is being the person we were born to be and not the caricature many of us feel we are living as prior to transition.

So yeah, we are in a sense selfish people, but not selfish for selfishness sake, but selfish so that the person we are is the best one can be and therefore can give the very best of ourselves to the world at large. Whether that be our families, our friends, our work or whatever. It’s as though, this selfishness needs to happen so we can in fact give of ourselves the best we can give.

It’s not all about me, no, but it might be. It’s kind of the question that I have to ask myself in so many situations now, not because I am being self absorbed so much as it is an act of personal safety and well being. Thinking about situations, they happen moment to moment.

That strange look the barrista gives you as you collect your morning coffee.

That whispered conversation at the next table in the restaraunt.

That group of ‘alpha male’ types you run past on the bike track.

That group of teenage girls who suddenly go quiet and then begin to giggle to themselves as you enter the room.

The gathering of men at the local laundromat.

That walk home in the dark along the footpaths that you walk during daylight hours.

That innocent greeting of mate, as you pass another runner on the trail.

Just a short list of situations that as a trans person, you can’t help but wonder if it is somehow all about you. Probably not you tell yourself, and mostly that’s correct too, it’s not. But the second half of the question must be considered.

But it might be.

And as we address that part of the question, but it might be, that’s when it kind of gets a bit scary, because, then it becomes, shit, what if it is. If it is, it gives rise to a wide array of thought patterns running through the brain.

Am I safe, oh fuck them, bloody transphobia, but am I safe, oh they’re just not used to seeing us, but am I safe, is my make up gone off, is my tuck showing, but am I safe.

Do you notice a theme here?

That’s right, it’s a constant, ever present thought, am I safe.

I am thankful I live in a social democracy and that on the whole it is mostly safe to be me. But that doesn’t mean it always is. And the reality is it’s not always the case for all trans people in modern progressive society. One only needs a cursory look at the statistics of the number of trans people murdered each year to realise that as fact.

So whilst we know it’s not about us most of the time, please be patient with us as we ask the full question of ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in. It’s not about us being self absorbed with everything about us. It’s just us wanting to be safe and free to inhabit this world we live in, with the same sense of safety that a cis person does.

Yeah, we know, it’s not always about us, but, it might be, and if we don’t check, if we don’t consider, if we don’t ask ourselves as examine the situation we may find ourselves in a situation that is not just uncomfortable and difficult but downright dangerous.

So please, cis sisters and brothers, be patient with us, understand that we just want to be safe and OK. We know it’s not all about us, but you know, that glance, or grimace, or look that you might not even see, yeah, that could be the difference between us being ok in a situation and being in actual physical danger.

Be patient with our hyper vigilance, be patient with our journey. Please, we know it’s not always about us, but it might be, and what if it is? Will you be there standing with us if it is?