I used to be a bigot but I listened and I learned…

Before I came out trans and lesbian, for periods of my life at different times, I held some pretty horrible view on some issues, in particular in regard to sexual orientation. I think, a big part of this was a part of the denial and repression that I was engaged in in regard to my own true self.

I was born into a conservative Christian family, in fact my mother was a missionary kid born on the mission field. My Grandfather eventually became a local church minister. He and my Grandmother were wonderful people. But one can’t go past the fact that the views they held about human sexuality were archaic and in terms of anything other than good old heteronormativity can only be accurately described as bigoted.

For me I inherited these views, passed on not just by them but by the wider family and life growing up in a middle class Christian church community that was conservative and very much on about saving the poor lost souls from eternal damnation.

I’ve always been somewhat reflective, and always had some difficulty with these views at heart, mostly, I believe, because they were unjust and discriminatory. On the surface I acted like the good AMAB straight white middle class Christian person, made horrible and horrendous jokes about non heterosexual people. All of this I am much ashamed of. It was what I was taught, and yet, even then, I knew underneath at all that it was just plain wrong, bigoted and basically evil.

Oh how I wished I had had the bravery and strength to listen to my inner voice so many years earlier.

When I was around 20 my best friend came out to me as Gay. This shocked me, I had never imagined he was, but I was presented with an example of what underneath I believed to be true, that people were people and deserving of respect dignity and equality. But at the same time presented with someone that according to what I had been taught was living a life that was wrong, maybe even evil. This was my best friend, and whilst I can’t claim I was always the best ally, I did for the most part honour his friendship and stand with him through life. We’re still good friends 27 years later so I guess I managed it to some degree.

For a majority of my adult life, I have been wrestling with this issue, I have at times been sucked into the religious argument and fallen for the garbage that poses as actual academic interogation of the Christian texts. I have had periods on social media where I spread things that were hurtful to friends.

I am deeply ashamed.

I can see that some of these actions, much of them, were a part of my own deep denial and repression of my own true identity.

One day a few years ago I was taken to task and rightly called out on some comments I made, which were, I can’t escape it, bigoted. It was very difficult for me, but also it was instructive. It cost me some connections and friendships, and that hurt, was confusing and difficult. A number of people simply wrote me off, but I am thankful, so utterly thankful, for the time taken to help me understand and to listen not only to them, but to my own inner voice that had been trying to get through to me for so long, that these ideas were at odds with my belief and heart for justice and equality and fairness.

It was difficult, but, in listening I was able to change my mind about things, because I was enlightened and able to learn some things, because someone was patient enough to dialougue with me through the difficulties and find the other side.

I am convinced this was the moment that somehow my inner self, my true self felt safe to begin that long process of coming out and asserting itself and that I was able to hear that voice, listen to it, think on it, explore it and journey with it. Because of it I have come to a place where I am a much happier and authentic person than I was.

It is with a sense of shame that I admit, yes, I used to be a bigot. But I am testament that once a bigot always a bigot does not need to be the truth.

I am testament that it can and is worth having the dialogue, journeying with people and that people can change their mind when they see truth.

I used to be a bigot, and now I am not. I am not because I listened.

I am ashamed to have to write this piece but for sometime now it has felt like it has been my ‘elephant in the room’ and I must face up to it.

People can change for the better. I believe I am evidence and testament to it. Please don’t hate me for my history, but accept me with my flaws and know I am doing my best to live a life that seeks justice and kindness.